jfs: (boy with cat)
[personal profile] jfs
Just had to take the Bug to the garage because the throttle cable has snapped, and it's an awkward thing to finagle through the car front to back (downside of an engine in the rear). Luckily I have 'at home' cover with a recovery service and they covered the transit.

The driver was called Gary and ... we're having new kitchen and bathroom put in so he asked about that, and talked about the work he's having to do on his flat. But then he said 'still doesn't feel like home though' and it turns out that he's recently divorced after 20 years and in a flat because he's moved out of his home.

What followed was the most emotionally honest conversation I've had with any man when neither of us were on MDMA. Now, I'm much better about being open about my emotions than I used to be, but I'm still not great about opening up, but he was willing to be so honest, I could only reciprocate.

"He talked about conscience, and he talked about pain, and I looked out of the window and it started to rain"

I don't want to go into everything he said, but so much of what he said resonated - he had emotional intelligence but oh so much fear - but he knew that his reactions were fear ones even if he couldn't get over that fear. And he was so scared of being lonely post his divorce that he couldn't separate whether his feelings for his new partner were honest, or just him not wanting to be alone.

I'm really lucky -due to past experiences I know that I have a whole heap of people that I could ring and say 'I need emotional support here' and I'd get it. (The fact that I don't when I should is on me ...). But when he'd reached out to his brother and tried to say exactly that, his brother had frozen, and then laughed it off and called him an idiot - I don't think unkindly, but just as an embarrassed reaction.

Was it easier us being strangers? Easier because I have had those conversations before? (usually spangled in a club or afterparty, but still, I've had them. And they're a lot easier the second and third and forth times.

We didn't exchange numbers. We shook hands and I wished him good luck.

But I'm writing this to help me remember, and to push some energy out towards him when I remember to.

Good luck, Gary.
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