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Pirates of Passion!


The Love of a Good Woman

A play in 3 scenes and one act

Written by a gentleman most noble

Directed by Donna Serafiya van Bourselin di Medici


MACHO REMORA “King of Kisses”
as Captain James Tabor, Devil of the Southern Seas


A Cast of Hundreds

Produced in association with the Syracusan Society for the Fine Arts

And sponsored by Fiorissimo and Di Cassia

Makers of the Blockbuster Fragrance:Sea Hud

Act 1.

Scene 1: The Sicilija Docks
Enter, Stage left The Don Di’Mitri and the Lady Morley, dressed piratically

Seagulls grak

Don: Ahh, Morley. Do you see my wondrous city? Look at the towers, listen to the fine grakking of the seagulls, smell the warm aroma of calimari stewing in its own ink

Song: When the City Syracusa is a sleeping (Tune: A policeman’s lot is not a happy one, Gilbert and Sullivan)

Don: When the City Syracusa is a-sleeping (is a-sleeping)
Some time before the hours of noon and two (noon and two)
I love to see how well the city’s keeping (city’s keeping)
By wand’ring round the docks alone with you (‘lone with you)

When the perfume seller’s closed for their siesta (their siesta)
And the calimari’s stewing for our tea (for our tea)
My heart sings like it’s time for a fiesta (A fiesta)
‘Cos Sicilija’s the only place to be
When the Calimari’s stewing for our tea, (for our tea)
Then Sicilija’s the only place to be!

Morley: I thought the City of Syracusa was under the protection of your beautiful and wise sister?

Don: Well, technically…. I suppose. But never mind that. Look how beautiful the sea is around the Wrecking Bell.

The pair gaze out to sea

Seagulls grak

Scene 2: The deck of the Swollen Ego, Captain Tabor’s own ship

Captain Tabor and his piratical crew are gathered around the ship’s wheel

SONG -- PIRATE KING (Tune: The Pirate King, Gilbert and Sullivan)

Tabor: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to Sicilija’s shore go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: Hurrah!
Hurrah for the Pirate King
Tabor: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Tabor: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
ALL: It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Tabor: There lads, lies fair Syracusa – the city whose dastardly Don has stolen the beauteous lady Morley from me. I go to rescue her. If I am not returned by dusk, sail in and sack the city in remembrance of me!

Crew: We will!

Tabor jumps overboard, all the crew shout “Splash!”

Scene 3. Back at the Docks. The Don and Morley are still exchanging sweet nothings.

Morley: What is that manly aroma?

The Don: that is ‘Il Duce’, my sweet. A pleasant scent available from Fiorissimo and Di Cassia at a very reasonable price.

Morley: No. Not that! There is another scent on the breeze. Something wild. Something sealike. Something …. Nautical!

Unobserved, Tabor climbs on to the dock, behind them.

Tabor: The scent you smell is Sea-Hud, also available from Fiorissimo and Di Cassia, and worn by dashing pirates everywhere.

A crowd of Sicilijan citizens gather.

Morley: Oh no!

The Don: Who are you?

Tabor: I am James Tabor, Captain of the Pirate Ship the Swollen Ego, and I have come to rescue the fair Lady Morley from your foul clutches. Defend yourself!

Tabor draws a sword. The Don does likewise. They each take a moment to douse themselves with the scent of their choice. As each one does, Morley and the crowd sigh loudly. Then Morley shakes her head, visibly coming to her senses.

Morley: Gentlemen, I pray you, wait!

Tabor and the Don duel for 30 seconds. When they pause

Morley: (Louder) I said “Hold On A Second!”

Tabor and the Don duel further. When they pause again

Morley: Oi!

The Don and Tabor: What?

Morley: Don’t I get a say in this?

Tabor and the Don exchange glances. It is obvious that this is an option that they have not considered.

The Don and Tabor: I guess …

SONG: Modern Naval Heroine: ( to the tune of Modern Major General, Gilbert and Sullivan)
Morley: I am the very model of the modern naval heroine
I’ve rowed a boat and tugged a sail and lit a lamp with kerosene
I’ve baked a cake and brewed some rum and sewn myself an evening gown
In preparation for a genteel ladies night upon the town.

I’ve wielded shark irons and belaying pins against Tomorrow Court
And sailed my ship into those sort of harbours that a lady ought
I’ve visited with kings and queens and talked with them of treasure finds
Then keelhauled some unfortunate whose manners were the loutish kind

In short in matters nautical, piratical and feminine
I am the very model of a modern naval heroine
Crowd: In short in matters nautical, piratical and feminine
She is the very model of a modern naval heroine

A Siciljan guard approaches

Guard: My Lords. A pirate fleet approaches.

The guard points.

Tabor: Oh no! They’re early.

Morley: You must stop them, Tabor, for while I love the Don, I love this city more.
Where else could one get such a range of perfumes as is available from Fiorissimo and Di Cassia?

Tabor: Because you command it, I will

Song: (To the tune of “When the Foeman bears his steel” by Gilbert and Sullivan)

Tabor: When the Pirate Fleet is near
Crowd: Taran Tara Taran Tara
Tabor: And the city wrapped in fear
Crowd: Taran Tara
Tabor: I will go and face the foe
Crowd: Taran Tara Taran Tara
Tabor: And persuade them all to go
Crowd: Taran Tara
Tabor: With belaying pin in hand
Crowd: Taran Tara Taran Tara
Tabor: I will go and make a stand
Crowd: Taran Tara
Tabor: With belaying pin in hand,
I will go and make a stand
I will go and make a stand!

Morley: Go and do your best endeavour,
And before all links we sever,
We will say farewell forever.
Go to glory and the grave!

Tabor douses himself liberally with Sea-Hud. At first, the crowd lean in appreciatively, but then, they start being repulsed, eventually throwing up / fainting as appropriate.
Tabor dives over the edge of the dock. All the crowd shout “Splash”!

The crowd provides a running commentary, with oohhs, ahhs and cheers liberally interspersed

Crowd: He’s swimming past the Wrecking Bell
Crowd: He’s at the Pirate Fleet
Crowd: They can smell the Sea-Hud!
Crowd: They’re turning tail!
Crowd: They’re leaving!
Crowd: He’s swimming back!
All Crowd: HURRAH!
Guard: My Lords, a shark has ate him.
Crowd: Whoops.

The Don: Mark his bravery well, Citizens of Syracusa. Though he was a pirate, he bore the scent of a true Sicilijan. Sea-Hud. Available from Fiorissimo and Di Cassia.

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